


Loud

by gayspacemage



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - College, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Arachnophobia, Connor is so scared of spiders, Depression, Evan centric, Evan is a botanist, Evan works at a bakery but thats not important, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mostly Platonic, Next Door Neighbors, The Murphy siblings live together, Touch Repulsion, Until it isn't, background treebros, his apartment is full of plants, reoccurring metaphors, terrible decision on their part really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-06 09:59:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17343230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayspacemage/pseuds/gayspacemage
Summary: Loud, abrupt, and honestly terrifying noises from the apartment next door were a regular occurrence in Evan’s life. The man who lived there was a drummer and a watcher of horror movies; he liked to stomp around and leave his house yelling at random hours of the day. The woman who lived there would have loud parties and uncontrollable bouts of laughter at 3 in the morning and really, really hated being woken up before noon. One of the two of them was almost constantly making noise. The entire building was pretty much used to it, with their relatively thick walls providing a safe buffer, and it never really involved anyone but the two inhabitants of apartment 730.Evan’s apartment was almost always silent. Evan didn’t have people over. Evan didn’t watch loud, terrifying movies. Evan was silent until a silly promise dragged him next door at midnight to face a stranger, and suddenly he could speak.





	Loud

**Author's Note:**

  * For [imacutepotatoepleasedonteatme (tumblr)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=imacutepotatoepleasedonteatme+%28tumblr%29).



Loud, abrupt, and honestly terrifying noises from the apartment next door were a regular occurrence in Evan’s life. The man who lived there was a drummer and a watcher of horror movies; he liked to stomp around and leave his house yelling at random hours of the day. The woman who lived there would have loud parties and uncontrollable bouts of laughter at 3 in the morning and really, really hated being woken up before noon. One of the two of them was almost constantly making noise. The entire building was pretty much used to it, with their relatively thick walls providing a safe buffer, and it never really involved anyone but the two inhabitants of apartment 730.

Evan’s apartment was almost always silent. Evan didn’t have people over. Evan didn’t watch loud, terrifying movies. Evan’s panic attacks involved hiding under his duvet and covering his mouth to keep any noises from falling out. His apartment was a greenhouse, and keeping the several different potted flowers and plants cared for and blossoming was the only thing he really did outside of studying and working. He didn’t have a big enough social group to throw loud parties and he most definitely did not want to change that. His books on botany and English studies were crammed between planters, picture frames, and work clothes, he didn’t have time for things like drumming and sleepovers that woke the entire neighborhood up. He kept to his work and college schedule. That was why he had never even met the couple (or maybe they were siblings?) who lived next door. They were noise and laughter and fun, and Evan was silence and solitude.

Evan’s only friend, a boy he’d known for years named Jared, would call him a hermit if he knew how Evan lived. But Jared moved out of New Jersey to go to school in New York, and dammit, Jared deserved that amazing degree from ESU, so Jared didn’t have to know that Evan was stagnant in his social life. Evan was fine. His coworkers at the bakery were fine and his classes were fine. Not having an actual social life was actually pretty helpful when no one was around to take him away from homework.

But, to move away from that internal tangent, Evan was used to unobtrusive noise. Sounds that he had no business in. The most he’d ever gotten near being involved was when he was in the hallway the same time the boy stormed out and slammed the door behind him, walking past Evan without saying a word. Apart from that, he had really only seen the two in passing, barely exchanging more than nods that purposelessly acknowledged the other’s existence before they disappeared from each other’s consciousness for three weeks. He didn’t know their names, for God’s sake, he knew only what he could hear through their shared walls.

He knew the brother was horribly, terribly sad. He knew something wasn’t right in the most silent hours of the night when his bedroom window was open. Evan, for whatever reason, could study under nothing but the light the fairy lights strung across his ceiling could provide, and so he was awake when the brother came out on the fire escape that connected their two apartments. He heard the violent, shaking, breathless sobs that came from the other man, the quietest sounds that ever came from their side of the wall. It wasn’t Evan’s business. He didn't think he'd ever heard anyone comforting that man before.

The two people who lived in the apartment next door made all sorts of sounds. When they were quiet, something was wrong. That only happened once. Evan woke up and they weren’t playing music from their surround sound systems. They didn’t argue, there were no drums, there was nothing until one of them screamed at 6:30 in the evening and an ambulance arrived outside their building. It wasn’t Evan’s business, but he knew they were a little quieter after that for about a month.

But they had never involved him. It wasn’t his business, so he didn’t involve himself. He left them to their own devices and they probably didn’t even know he existed.

At least, that’s what Evan thought, until one of them knocked on his door.

Suddenly, Evan was involved in all the noise.

“Hi. Evan, right?” The woman in his doorway gave a friendly smile.

Evan’s stomach twisted with fear and he blinked at his neighbor, not quite sure he was seeing properly. “Uh- I’m- Yes, I’m Evan.”

She was the woman who lived next door, who had a laugh that could be heard through cinder block walls and a loud belt she shared with the world from her shower. Which, not that Evan knew she was showering whenever she screamed along to the blaring music that sounded almost like 2012 pop, he simply assumed, a lot of people liked to sing in the shower. But he should not have thought about his neighbor in the shower, that was weird, he was being so weird. She was right in front of him and he was thinking about her showering. Evan was momentarily mortified with himself as his brain jumped to playing a movie trailer where Taraji P. Henson played a woman who could hear men’s thoughts, because if this woman could do that, he would have absolutely died on the spot. If she knew that he had just thought about her bathing, even in the not pervy way, she would absolutely call the cops. Evan would have to register as a sex offender and he would never be able to write a novel like he really wanted to. Well, he could, but it wouldn’t sell well because he would be on the sex offender registry and who wants to buy a book from someone whose name is on that list?

Evan found himself forcibly yanked from his anxiety induced thought spiral when he heard her voice. He swallowed, wiped his hand on his khakis, and cleared his throat. “I-sorry, um, I didn’t catch…?”

She gave a bigger, more understanding smile. She looked good. She was in a flowy, pastel blue top and dark blue jeans and nice brown boots and her hair looked naturally wavy in a manicured and absolutely perfect way. Did she do her hair herself? It didn’t matter. “Oh, I was just introducing myself. I’m Zoe Murphy, I live next door with my brother?”

Then, she pointed to 730.

“Oh, yeah, I know.” Evan said, and then immediately decided he did not want to be in this conversation. “I-I mean, sorry, I didn’t know your name, I just knew where you lived. Oh God, that sounds worse. I-”

Zoe started laughing, and it sounded like a soft waltz his mom used to play when he was younger, and his stomach clenched in another uncomfortable way. “No, no, I understand. We’ve seen each other around before.”

Well, that was good. He cleared his throat. “Um, sorry, but how did you know my name?”

“One of your letters got put in our letterbox by mistake a few weeks ago. Do you mind if I come in?”

He definitely minded. He thought he might still have takeout leftovers from last night sitting at the coffee table, and he hadn’t hidden all of his plants. Jared always told him that he needed to be prepared for girls to come to his house, that he should have a designated room for plants and that’s it, but he it wasn’t like he could just cram them all into one room. Every plant will always need a different environment and temperature control is difficult to manage as a college student drowned in student debt. He has humidifiers constantly going in the guest bedroom and dehumidifiers in his own, he has several space heaters and sun lamps, he can’t just cram them all into one room. That would kill his succulents, dammit, Jared.

“Um-” Evan glanced back into his apartment. His arrowheads, boston fern, broadleaf lady palm and Chinese evergreens were inhabiting most of the living room. Some of the boston fern’s fronds were spilling out onto the couch and he didn’t have many places for them to sit. But his flowering houseplants were in the kitchen and that made it a mess for even him to navigate, and he couldn’t exactly take Zoe into his bedroom or guest room, that would be so weird for so many reasons. “Um, uh, yeah, sure.”

As he stepped back to let Zoe in, he could properly look over the visible living space he inhabited. Most of the plants actually weren’t too overwhelming, and his kitchen was clean enough. He could be embarrassed over several things, like the golden pothos and dumb cane completely taking over his dining table or the corn plants that almost completely obscured the TV from view, but at least it didn’t look like he was obsessed. Right? He didn’t look obsessed. She hadn’t even seen his succulent room yet, the guest room, which didn’t even have a spare bed because of all the plants that had taken over in the warmer, more humid room of his apartment.

The Murphy sister took in all of his plants without a judgmental expression on her face, which he could only be so grateful for, because what if she was just hiding how she really felt? “Sorry, um, I would’ve put some of this away if I- if- I’m a botany student, so I like- to um, for studying…” Evan trailed awkwardly, fiddling with his hands.

“You’re acting like I found your meth lab. It’s okay, Evan, all these plants are cute.” Zoe walked over to the nearest foliage plant, (an elephant’s ear, if you were curious,) and stroked its leaves, which Evan knew he shouldn’t allow. The oils on her fingers could be damaging to the leaves, and though the plants were fairly resilient, being common houseplants, he felt squeamish about her touching them. He morphed his expression into one of a friendly host and not a distressed plant freak before she turned around. “You study botany? Do you know things about all these plants?”

Evan nodded, and opened his mouth to say something, before he realized he was still standing in the doorway and holding the door open for no one. “Um, yeah, I-I do. Sorry I don’t- I don’t want to sound unwelcoming, but- I have to get ready for work in a little bit. Is- Do you need something?” He quietly closed the door and went to go sit on the couch, sitting closest to the boston fern so it wouldn’t get damaged. Evan’s skin seemed to prickle as she followed.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude-”

“No, no, you, no you didn’t.” Evan stopped her right there and pointedly ignored how anxious he was just having someone new in his space. This was his hermit hole and having someone in it was not something he was quite comfortable with. “Its not- I’m not late. Uh, what did you need?”

She cleared her throat and pursed her lips together, as if trying to figure out how to phrase what she wanted to say. “I’m… I haven’t really gotten to know you, and it’s why I hesitate, but... I need a favor, Evan, and I don’t trust the other people in the hall to handle it.”

His brain immediately spun into overdrive as he jumped to all the absolutely terrifying things Zoe could've asked of him. “O-Oh?”

“I’m going out of town for two weeks, starting January fifteenth.” Zoe started, and his stomach lurched. There was no way she would ask him to travel with her, right? “And I know it’s not very… Well, I know it’s odd, but-”

“I can’t do planes, please don’t ask me to fly with you.” Evan blurted in one quick exhale, absolutely frazzled.

She blinked as if she hadn’t even thought of that and once again, his anxiety had ruined everything. “Oh, no, of course not, I wouldn’t ask that of you when we’ve only just met.”

His shoulders almost visibly sagged with relief, though his cheeks flamed with embarrassment. “Oh.”

“I just… My brother. I feel so bad asking this, oh god. My brother is going to be home alone while I’m away, and I’m worried about him, just a little more than I’m comfortable with. And I know it’s strange, but if you hear anything, or maybe notice something off, would you mind checking up on him? You don’t have to take care of him or anything, obviously, but if…” Her eyes started to lose their happy, friendly light, “... maybe if you heard a loud crash, or if you see something dangerous, could you please... “

Evan started to understand, and he felt so much more relaxed he thought he might cry. “Oh. Uh- I should- Just keep an eye out for him? Make sure he’s okay?”

She gave such a grateful smile. “Yes, if you could, I’d appreciate it so much.”

He started to nod his head. “Yeah, sure, I can- Uh, I- probably can do that.” Dear God, what was he sticking his head into?

“Oh, great, thanks! I feel so much better. There’s a key under our welcome mat if you need it, and Connor probably won’t bite you if you come in, I’ll let him know you might stop by.” Zoe was practically back to a bouncing ball of sunshine, a brilliant smile on her face. “I’m sure you won’t need it, but you have my permission.”

He nodded his head and was hugged. Which may have been the first time an actual human being had touched him since he moved out of his mom’s house, as they couldn’t afford to send him home for the holidays that year. He was so startled by the onslaught of emotions that he didn’t quite comprehend Zoe asking him for his number until her phone was being pushed into his hands with his name in a new contact field. Evan entered the digits in a daze and she gave one more smile and left.

He went about his business. He got ready for work. He didn’t pay attention when Zoe and Connor Murphy started yelling next door right before he left, and it was weird to have names to pair to their faces, but it didn’t matter. Zoe hadn’t left yet, so it still wasn’t any of his business.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t any of his business until January twentieth, when he was at home, doing work for his botany thesis. He had barely even thought about Zoe after she left. That was a lie, he thought about it a lot, but it was less about her and more about nervously fretting over what she asked of him. Was he supposed to check in daily? Send her text updates, _Hey, nothing weird happened today! Hope you’re enjoying your vacation, _or maybe ask about her day? She texted him after she left his house two weeks ago, was he supposed to build up a friendship with her? He couldn’t take care of himself properly, how was he supposed to build up an entirely new friendship with his weirdly vague and physically absent neighbor who asked him to do just about the scariest thing in the whole goddamn universe? If something happened next door, Evan had to go check on it.__

____

So far, nothing had happened next door. Connor played his drums and watched horror movies. Evan heard the bass two nights ago from its stupid scary soundtrack and he didn’t like it but it was fine, it was Connor’s life and he didn’t have to watch the stupid scary movie. Evan didn’t want to poke around his neighbor’s life until he at least managed to introduce himself, otherwise he felt like a creep, and he most certainly did not want to go over there and introduce himself, not when he felt like he was the subject of one of their arguments they had the day Zoe introduced herself to him. No, Evan was fine just quietly listening. He hadn’t heard Connor crying on the fire escape since the New Year started, and so he was fine. Right? Connor was fine.

____

The moments of quiet didn't scare him like they used to. The Murphys did have quieter days, and especially with one of them out of the building, things were rather still. Connor would go for a handful of hours without making a sound, and Evan would almost consider going over and knocking on the front door, but then he’d hear him swearing or tripping over something or flopping down on his bed, a bed that, apparently, was pressed against the wall Evan shared with the Murphys. Which wouldn’t be too much of a big deal if Evan weren’t Evan. Evan freaked out about practically sleeping next to someone he didn’t know until he just decided to uproot his entire fucking bedroom so his bed was not against their shared wall. Even if the walls are thick, it terrified him to think about Connor on the other side of that wall, asleep, or maybe not asleep, there are countless other things one could do in their bedroom, and Evan was stopping his brain right there because that was not a thought he wanted to entertain. Not because his mind immediately went to sexual things, but because he knew it would seem like it did, and if anyone were to ever find out that he thought about this kind of thing they would use it to ruin him.

____

Maybe he did need to go back to therapy. He’d noticed, once he started college, that he fell deeper and deeper into a cesspit of anxiety and self-deprecation. He had realized some time ago that it really wasn’t very normal, the way he was. Sure, he wasn’t normal, but maybe driving himself up the wall with crazy internal dilemmas about other people hearing his thoughts was the bad kind of not normal, maybe he needed to stop putting money away for buying more plants and more things for plants and instead needed to look into therapy?

____

Whatever the case, Evan needed to get out of bed. He needed to get out of bed, take care of his plants, do some homework, go to class and turn in his homework, eat, take basic care of himself, other normal human activities that were expected of him by the general human race. He was staring at his ceiling at 8:00 in the morning, completely overwhelmed by how messed up his room was since he moved things around so he wasn’t sleeping right next to someone he didn’t know, and not doing any of the things he needed to do. Evan felt empty and out of it, like the world was a river, and life was the water flowing through it, only Evan was the stone that sunk to the bottom. But in this river, the riverbed wasn’t full of stones, it was a river with a bottom of mud and clay, so he was alone, a tiny pebble at the bottom of a smooth, photogenic river. Unnoticeable, almost invisible to the naked eye, but who would want to see him unless they were simply going to pick him up and throw him somewhere else?

____

He came up with more pathetic metaphors for his life as he watched the clock on his bedside table shift through the minutes. He needed to have his plants watered by 8:45 so he could finish his homework at 9:45 and get to his 10:10 grammar structure class. It was nearing 8:20 and he hadn’t even changed out of his pyjamas. Evan felt bad, he couldn’t skip class, not when he and his mother worked so hard and skipped visits just so they could pay for him to go, but he also physically could not remove himself from his covers, not when the world was moving so unbelievably fast and he was stuck buried in the dirt beneath it.

____

If he didn’t do his homework, he would survive. He usually did all of his homework and the assignment wasn’t too big of a portion of his grade. He could give himself another hour if he didn’t do his homework. He spent more time staring at the clock. Evan tried to grow legs and swim to the surface so he could flow along with the rest of the water.

____

He managed it at 9:00. Evan brushed his teeth and stared at himself in the mirror, seeing all the flaws he used to point out to himself when he was younger, and slowly went about caring for his plants. He knew how to care for each of them, and at least that aspect of the routine didn’t feel absolutely overwhelming. He didn’t eat or change out of his night clothes, he grabbed his bus pass and went to class. And then another class. Dragging along at the bottom of the river. 

____

When he got home from work at the bakery, he was too exhausted to think about the Murphys. He went right back to sleep and tried not to burst into tears when he fell into his bed. It was late afternoon when he took his nap, and it was late in the evening when he heard the screaming from next door.

____

Evan jolted upright. No way. The one day he really, really couldn’t do what he said he’d do.

____

It was Connor. Connor was screaming his terrified, I’m-Watching-A-Horror-Movie-And-It’s-Too-Good scream, only it didn’t last a few moments the way it usually did. No, it lasted a long while, and Evan heard several things clash to the ground next door. Halting for breath turned to startled yelps and loud swears that made their way through the wall, and Evan could actually understand what he was saying because Connor was screaming so loud, _“Shit, shit, fucking fuck! Oh god, no no no-!”_

____

There was a loud thump and Connor’s swearing faded into indiscernible mumbling that Evan couldn’t understand through the walls. He sat in his bed and stared as more muffled thumps fell through the wall, sporadic and frightened, and slowly processed that he needed to go over there and see what was wrong. Or, did he really need to? The thought slipped into his mind and spread through it the way weeds choke out roots of fragile perennials, completely uncontrolled but strong enough to overwhelm him. He didn’t need to go over and check on Connor. He could just say that he was sleeping and didn’t hear it, and even as he stared at the foot of his bed with a completely blank expression, he could feel himself relax slightly. He owed nothing to Zoe. Besides, her brother was a grown man, he could absolutely take care of himself. Right?

____

Her brother also cried on the fire escape in the early hours of the morning.

____

Guilt killed the weed before it could take hold of him. Something could be really wrong, and Connor probably expected him to go in there and help him. His mind went back to a few months ago, when an ambulance took one of the siblings. Evan balled his fists in his sheets, how could he think of leaving Connor alone? He didn’t deserve that, and if his screaming a few moments ago was any indication of how he was feeling, Connor probably needed a friend.

____

It was almost enough to loosen the glue that kept Evan in his bed.

____

He groaned softly and bowed his head as tears formed in his eyes. Evan could not make himself get out of bed, he couldn’t, not when the world beyond his covers was so overwhelmingly loud and social expectations required him to talk. Connor might’ve been in real trouble and he couldn’t even gather himself up to leave his apartment. How pitiful. He felt himself sinking further into the depths of self-hatred.

____

Next door, Connor gave a soft sobbing sound.

____

Evan put a hand in his hair and tugged before he started listing names of the plant species in his apartment to the dry weather plants and the soft buzzing of the climate control machines in his room. He needed to get himself together. He needed to get out of bed.

____

It took him ten minutes and several cycles of both the common and scientific names to take a deep breath and slide his feet to the ground. Evan planted them there so he could push himself into a standing position. He was terribly, hyper-aware of everything around him, from the way his flannel sleeping clothes rubbed against his skin to the neverending buzzing of the air conditioning. He felt dizzy, but he walked out of his room. 

____

His apartment was dark. Evan knew it well enough to avoid bumping into his plants. His head pounded with exhaustion, but he made the seemingly impossible trek to the front door without bursting into tears. It felt like the sky was resting on his shoulders, but instead of being allowed to kneel beneath its weight the way Atlas in the Greek myths could, he had to move his feet one in front of the other to push himself into the hallway. 

____

The house key for the Murphy sibling apartment was easy enough to grab. Evan stared at the door identical to his.

____

Socializing, talking to people, general human interaction made Evan uncomfortable even when he was feeling normal. When his body wasn’t filled with cinderblocks of negative thoughts, meeting new people made his skin crawl and his stomach sink. Now he was feeling worse than he had in weeks and he had to… Evan didn’t even know what he would have to help Connor with, he just knew that once he stepped into that apartment, he would have to be the most mentally stable of the two of them.

____

He couldn’t do this.

____

Evan pushed the key into the lock and opened the door.

____

The Murphy sibling’s apartment was laid out as an almost exact reflection of his. The kitchen was on the right instead of the left, but the living room was the same and the hallway was as narrow as his was. Theirs, on the other hand, was not covered in plants. They had a large flatscreen, probably plasma, and a large, questionably stained couch in their living room, the kitchen looked like it had barely survived a food hurricane and was still recovering three years later, and there was a strange assortment of decorations throughout the small living space. Conflicting aesthetics of a punk-rock painter and a space-loving bisexual who played an acoustic guitar filled the area Evan could see. Of course, he only saw most of this in a passing glance, because he was looking for a robber or someone with a gun.

____

Instead, curled on the couch, sat a person about Evan’s age that had to be Connor.

____

He was hugging his knees to his chest and staring at Evan with wide, panicked eyes, chest rising and falling at a rapid enough rate to prove he was having a panic attack. His red, tearstained face was framed by long waves of brown hair, just like Zoe’s, only his was darker and frizzier and so soft looking that Evan was inexplicably drawn to the idea of running his hands through it for hours on end. He was in a sweatshirt and jeans and taking gasping, hiccuping breaths in a pattern Evan was all too familiar with, shaking like a leaf, and he was so breathtakingly beautiful that Evan couldn’t move. No one should be that pretty when they’re having a panic attack.

____

“Who- Who are-” Connor gasped, voice hoarse and shaking, and that set Evan in motion. He closed the door quietly and began to approach. “Who are you?” Connor demanded, a little louder, his hyperventilating speeding up. He had bright blue eyes, the tears they held made them shine in the low light. Fuck.

____

Evan held his hands out to show he meant no harm. He had to speak through the muddled numbness in his head. No filter, no stutter, “I’m Evan, your sister asked me to come over if anything happened to you.

____

Connor swore shakily under his breath and put his forehead on his knees, devolving into louder sobs that broke Evan’s heart. What could have Connor Murphy, who watched a horror movie once a week, having a panic attack that was this bad?

____

Evan went to sit on the couch next to him, unsure of how to proceed. “... I’m going to- to put my hand on your back? Stop me if you want to.” Connor did not respond, so he quietly began to rub his back. 

____

When panic attacks get that bad, Evan knew he had to just let it run its course. He found Connor’s phone and started playing the most recent playlist on shuffle, which got a faint laugh out of the man, and he continued offering the faintest physical comfort until Connor leaned and simply collapsed into Evan’s side. He felt his stomach lurch at the sudden contact, felt skin brushing against his own and was nearly drowned with repulsion, but said nothing. Evan still couldn’t think probably, still felt everything too much. Connor’s hair itched his arm, the tears that fell from Connor's eyes to Evan's shirt made his clothes uncomfortably wet in one or two very specific spots, his warm, trembling breaths hit Evan’s forearm on the opposite side, and it was too much. But he simply swallowed and put his arm around Connor’s back.

____

Once the sobbing was slightly subdued, he pushed Connor away and helped him count a steady breathing rhythm. “In for seven, hold for four, out for eight.” Connor was lightheaded, Evan could tell, so it was actually quite impressive when he started taking breaths that vaguely matched the count a few moments in. They shook and hiccuped, but that was expected. 

____

Connor calmed about fifteen minutes after Evan originally opened his door. It would’ve been a great accomplishment for him if he weren’t completely numb. He pushed his hair off his face and grabbed a few tissues to wipe his eyes. “- I- Thanks.”

____

“No problem,” Evan said. It was a problem. “What happened?”

____

He cleared his throat quietly and looked away from Evan for a moment. “Uh… Don’t worry about it. It was nothing.”

____

“It was obviously something if you had a panic attack. Don’t you watch horror movies all the time?” Upon seeing Connor’s eyes begin to narrow and the question form on his lips, Evan continued, “I hear the music and screaming through the walls.”

____

“... Oh.”

____

“What happened, Connor?”

____

Connor bit his lip and sniffed, rubbing at his bicep. “It’s… embarrassing.”

____

“I don’t think I could possibly laugh at you right now.” Evan said. Connor seemed to find it strange that his expression never changed.

____

“I was getting ready to take a shower and found a spider. It- it crawled onto my arm when I saw it because I froze and I guess- I guess that was a fucking invitation, or something, and-” Connor took a deep breath.

____

Evan stared at him for a moment and felt frustration well in his chest. _All of this for a spider?!_ Instead of commenting though, he said, “Do you want me to kill it for you?”

____

At Connor’s immediate nod, Evan stood up. He moved into the bathroom. A spider. He had to kill a spider. 

____

The bathroom was a mess. It was covered in makeup products and tampons and toilet paper, there was a hairbrush in the toilet, the shower curtain was crumpled on the ground, but Evan picked his way into the mess and began picking everything up in mechanical movements. His entire brain seemed to be on shut down as he quietly looked for the spider.

____

He found it behind the toilet. It had made itself an entire web, and once Evan balled his hand up in toilet paper, he grabbed it and flushed it, destroying the web as well. The hairbrush was safely resting on the sink and far away from the spider’s murder.

____

“It’s dead.” Evan announced as he rightened himself. He wanted to pull his skin off.

____

Connor slowly poked his face into the doorway, eyes puffy and red, but he gave a tired smile. “... Thanks, Evan. Can I get your number? In case I need you to kill another spider for me.”

____

Evan nodded numbly and took Connor’s phone, programming the numbers into a contact, and said goodbye.

____

“Hey, Evan?” Connor called as he made his way to the door.

____

Evan turned, looking over his shoulder, wishing for escape-

____

Connor looked faintly concerned, which was strange. Why would Connor look concerned? He pressed his lips together and wrapped some of his hair around his finger, seeming to struggle with his thoughts for a moment, and then, defying expectations, Connor said, “Are you okay?”

____

Evan stared at him, the boy who cried in his arms, the boy who was terrified of spiders, the beautiful boy with a tiny sliver of brown in his broken blue eyes that filled with tears on their shared fire escape, who was so loud and bright that he glowed in the darkness of his apartment while he was curled up tight enough to vanish, and his expression changed for the first time since he left his bed at midnight that night. Connor watched it morph from carefully put together to scared and shocked, and then he saw it shatter. The tears that filled his eyes and the way his shoulders tensed were suddenly so prominent and open and there, not hidden by his shaky self-imposed invisibility. Evan was a master at not drawing attention to himself, at hiding, blending into the background and watching the world behind a safe and sturdy pane of glass. Connor watched a sob force its way out of him with a soft expression of almost-terror, because he acted so okay for so long, if they weren’t alone Connor might not have noticed the stiffness in his posture.

____

Evan put a hand over his mouth and bowed his head, curling into himself. His shoulders quietly shook from the crying, and somehow he was so silent about it. Where Connor had been screaming and wailing with terror, Evan was completely silent, letting tears run over his hand and squeezing his eyes shut.

____

He felt Connor’s hands on him then, guiding him to sit on the floor and offering a hug. Suddenly Evan needed it more than he could’ve possibly guessed, and he collapsed into Connor’s outstretched arms, so vaguely confused by how the touch that once repulsed him now wrapped him in warmth and sheltered him from the overwhelming weight of the world, but he sunk into it like a stone in a river and sobbed. He barely let himself make a sound, only the softest whines that came from the intake of his breaths. Suddenly Connor had enveloped him in human contact that Evan didn’t know he needed and he couldn’t breathe, he had been seen, Connor saw him, he wasn’t alone.

____

He stayed the night with Connor and, once he was done crying, they just talked. As it turns out, they had more in common than they thought. Both boys were struggling with being seen and feeling alone, both got out of bed every morning to try and find a reason to do it again the next day. They talked about the river they found themselves in, how the water pushed them down into the mudbed without mercy and ran over them without seeing or noticing anything about them. Evan mentioned Connor’s noise, and the boy responded with how he felt he was drowned out with the water that sound could barely travel through, and then Connor brought up Evan’s silence that the river couldn’t drown out, because what can you do to the absence of something?

____

They talked and talked for hours on end until Connor made them microwave mac-n-cheese for breakfast and sent Evan home, with a slap on the back and a shout of, "If you make yourself go to class today after last night, I'm gonna kick your ass! Take the day off!"

____

And Evan got a text, which is new.

____

**Unknown [7:34 PM]: hey its connor murphy**

____

**Unknown [7:34 PM]: wanna come over tomorrow and watch die hard**

____

Evan snorted softly, shaking his head

____

**EH [7:36 PM]: I'm Jewish**

____

**CM [7:36 PM]: fool. coward. die hard is to be loved by everyone, regardless of religion**

____

**EH [7:40 PM]: I'll be there.**

____

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

____

Connor didn’t let Evan feel alone even after Zoe came back. Connor made Evan come over when he was feeling up to it and exposed him to the horrors of his “not-scary” horror movie collection. Evan thought they were actually very scary and did not want to know what was in the upper tiers of his CD shelves that were organized by how scary a movie might be.

____

Evan focused on college and work. He found out Connor was taking online classes in graphic and architectural design, that he played his drums simply because he could, and learned to lift his head up. Evan started to bloom as he learned to recognize that he could be heard, slowly letting himself become more than a double English and botany major with too many plants. He baked for Connor and Zoe, organized their kitchen, and in return they adopted him into their small family. They didn't talk about their parents much, but from what Evan could tell, the elder Murphys were wealthy enough to pay for their children to go all the way through college without debt, and the younger Murphys didn't like them enough to never speak or see them unless absolutely necessary. Zoe and Connor fought frequently, and Connor's anger was absolutely explosive, loud as he'd ever been. Evan stayed his friend through it anyway. It might have been that a friend was what Connor really needed, because he began to try to keep himself under control. What Connor really needed was therapy. Which, apparently, he was getting every Tuesday. He told Evan one day, "If you think this is bad, you should've known me in high school."

____

If Connor or Evan was too overwhelmed by the weight of the water on top of them, they would be visited by the other, and they could just talk, or cuddle, or exist in the same room just to make sure the other knew they weren’t invisible. If Connor was crying on the fire escape, Evan would go outside and let him rest his head on his shoulder. Or, they would sit there and talk late into the night as the world slept, with a soft candle glowing nearby to light the area. Connor liked the irony of it, a flame on a fire escape. 

____

"You know," Evan started, several months after they met, watching the stars in the sky hours after Connor calmed down, "I-I always noticed that you and Zo-Zoe were really, really loud."

____

Connor shifted quietly and let his legs hang over the edge of the metal platform. They were skinny enough to fit beneath the railing with ease, long and covered by black leggings. "I mean, we didn't exactly try to keep ourselves quiet. We liked to talk and yell and shit, blare music, and Zoe always loves to have seventy people in our apartment."

____

"Yeah, um, yeah, I know. It just feels so- normal, now that I spend time with you guys." Evan traced his fingertips over his khakis and sunk into the hoodie Connor let him borrow just a little more, starting to laugh faintly as he said, "I think it just- I think it might come from, um, I think it just goes to show how quiet I really am."

____

The boy beside him let his head fall to the side, and his bouncing, unkempt waves of hair fell with it. The now fading marks on Connor's forearms were open to the moonlight and holding him up, palms pressed against the steel beneath them. "I don't think you're quiet."

____

Evan lifted his head, a small frown settling on his face. "Y-You don't?"

____

"No, I don't." Connor started to smile as he turned to face Evan. "I think you make all the noise you like, you just pretend not to hear it."

____

At Evan's confused expression, Connor sat up a little straighter. He seemed to consider the things he could say to Evan for a few quiet moments with an angelic glow cast on his cheeks by the moon, and his eyes, the ones Evan waxed poetry about for his midterm in April, healed and shining and such an incredible blue, were only looking at him. There was a sky full of stars above them and Connor Murphy could only look at Evan.

____

"Your laugh," Connor finally said, startling Evan out of a daze, "is incredible. It's a soft sound, but it rings in my ears and pushes some of the darkness away every time I hear it. Even though you try to hide it, your voice is so rhythmic and perfect that sometimes I can't breathe, and no," He stops Evan before he can interrupt, "your stutter has nothing to do with it. It's like a downbeat or an extra tap of a snare drum, and that's what makes a song really special. Sometimes you sing when you think I can't hear you and suddenly Broadway stars are unimpressive, their belts don't compare, there is nothing that beats your singing. When you cry you try to hide in yourself and make yourself invisible. You hiccup and you whimper and I don't think you notice, but its the most heartbreaking sound I've ever heard. Your breathing is a wonderful sound to me, it's so calming to put my ear to your chest and just hear you breathe. When you walk around your apartment your feet shuffle against the carpet and they make the sound of muffled sandpaper blocks, you talk to your plants and you sound so bright, like you're glowing, like stars could speak. You like to clap your hands together when you're happy and now I've noticed myself smiling when Zoe snaps her fingers to a beat. Your earbuds play things like Lana Del Rey, they're soft and safe and so much calmer than anything I listen to that sometimes I forget I like anything else. I don't think you're loud, but I don't think you're quiet. You're perfect."

____

Silence hung in the air after that, like an autumn leaf suspended in time a few inches from the ground. Silence came from Connor's open window that would lead them into the Murphy's apartment. Evan felt his heart pounding like a drum in his chest as he processed what Connor said and he couldn't quite read it in any way but one, but he still didn't quite believe it. This boy met him at his worst and stayed with him to help him reach his best, Connor was the beautiful one. Connor was the muse and Evan was the writer, not the other way around.

____

"I-I'm supposed to be the poet, I'm an English major." He whispered breathlessly, painfully and suddenly aware of how close they were, and he could feel Connor chuckle before he heard him.

____

Connor made sure Evan knew he was heard and seen. Connor knew things about Evan that Evan wasn't ready to know himself. Connor told Evan he was beautiful on that fire escape and kissed him under the stars.

____

**Author's Note:**

> As I'm posting this, I'm grieving the death of a close friend. I apologize for a lack of proper editing, please let me know if I can make any improvements to this story, or if you notice any grammatical/spelling/punctuation errors


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